sinaurora (sinaurora) wrote,

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Rantings and Ramblings MeHar!

Here I sit all weak and weary... bull. Nice though I don't think that many people other than a select few ever read this journal. So unlike myspace that I feel hundreds have constant access to.. and I'm not sure I want to read such info...I feel fairly free to type as I may in this journal.
I always have grand things I want to type when I'm laying awake at night .. forcing myself to sleep for work.
Unfortunately, I tend to forget how critical all of the parts lay together after awhile... and I just come out later with this sprawl of nothing.. but it feels nice to type without complete meaning. (Stupid hospital's rights agreements that I have been doing all morning!)
Funny... here some worthless information comes..
I despise the way that every time I state several facts in my life.. I receive the same response from people I respect in my life.
If I state my father is in law enforcement... I get a slightly negative reaction.. and I know people envision a brute of a man.. which in actual sense he is amazing... I just... at this age hardly introduce any of my actual friends to my parents... there has been some recent exceptions.
I hate that every time I say I have a job at Sierra View... I hear two responses... something sarcastic about me finally having a job when I have either been a student or working since I graduated high school... and the other is some sort of smart crack about the functionality and integrity of the hospitals' rep... (honestly I care in a small way because unfortunately I have worked here a couple weeks and now all of this hospitals' history lingers and represents me.. even though honestly I don't care because I used to say the same thing to others when they started employment here).

I despise arguing with people and defending a stance that I don't even support just because of the indication my life creates. Such as.. I don't feel much faith in the medical or law enforcement branches of this country... and ironically enough.. my parents taught me that. They both entered these fields with an idolized viewpoint.. and quickly rationalized it to me.. that although it isn't what we expected.. we need to work on betterment.
Harder to do in law enforcement... health standards and functions within.. is something I can touch... less balls and ego involved.
I'm not someone that adores money... although because my parents have saved and worked fairly steadily throughout their lives to build around me something that vaguely resembles an upper middle class family by Porterville standards.
Yet... we have our own pact against most of the stigma ...
My mother just last week called me late at night worrying that I thought she only went into health care for monetary benefit... How could those that taught me such things best ever think I didn't know their reasons?

We (I) are realist, conservative, dreaming, liberals ... we are independent politically ... religiously ...
All of that is difficult to explain... especially since people throw words such as that together to avoid taking any stance... we, I, do... it just isn't generalized.. each instance in our lives is dealt with on a case to case basis.
I'm not a feminist.. everyone is sexist in some regard.. and everyone has prejudice...
(Prejudice is, as the name implies, the process of "pre-judging" something. In general, it implies coming to a judgment on the subject before learning where the preponderance of the evidence actually lies, or formation of a judgment without direct or actual experience. Holding a politically unpopular view is not in itself prejudice, and not all politically popular views are free of prejudice...)
...within themselves...I'm not solid environmentalist, conservationist, moralist, hippie, goth, punk, aristocrat, or goodness knows how many other elements and categories people want to place me in. I'm just me. I'm sure I am all of those things at given times.. but I have always worked with my own mold ... and although I sometimes find others easy to predict... (unless you have known me for years on end... or just was given some sort of privy that I rarely give without a long duration...) I'm not going to be and note that is not my aim.
I adore both the elegance of fine wine served with brie cheese as I glance at modern and classical art. An amazing dress made of precious fabric ...sophistication abound... delicate dances... candlelight... jazz enshrouding the auricles.
But then again... I love baggy clothes... camping.. bonfires... tales for the dark... classical rock ...homebrewed beer...
I consider myself balanced..
Why does it seem that the more I crave simplicity, the more things become tightly wound and complex?

I realized that I'm the last of the girls in a grouping in high school to get married... how tragic... what scares me more? That honestly it doesn't truly trouble me.
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