sinaurora (sinaurora) wrote,

Idolized thinking.. ME? Who would have thunk?

I wish that I knew for sure that some things were valid and true. I'm in a gray sort of mood due to the fact that nothing feels distinct. Wishing I knew the truth of the circumstances... this region of the world is mentally depressing.
I'm developing as a person and as a professional... but what other elements of progression am I giving up in return for these advancements? Professional aspects of my life have never been as important as they are to others... I have no strong desire to be wealthy... I need monetary assets to live and survive (as well as possibly make some sort of difference) but other than that... living is my primary goal.
So am I really living life if I fold to the masses, function professionally and make the financial security primary?
Kinda getting desperate to find some sort of footing so then I can pursue my true endeavours... many of which I don't voice...
Am I dry and stale? Why am I sometimes fearful to show my fire..? my spark for life? because I don't want anyone to take my passion as forced... as contrived...
Also I find more and more that people I respect (predominately males) don't expect a female to have any voice or even if they do... it isn't worth noting.
I choose to blame fellow women... but then in my case I'm allowing it to extend as well... by hiding at times and acting coy... making sure that I keep my feminity in check with my strengths.
Brighten up... the things that hound my emotional mind have to manifest in some sort of positive force... I've been barked at enough.
Endnote: *smacks self for emotions, belts self for female emotions, and finally wounds self for wishful and idolized thinking*
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