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Monday, August 27th, 2007

Subject:The human element~~~~
Time:5:59 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Some friends people have for a lifetime... and others seem to rain down upon you like the black plague... never stopping... only ever caring when there is a possibility of having something happen in their pants... never understanding what the concept of friend means..
I have no use for so many people at this moment as I sit and think.... most of them never really cared... can't care apparently.

Yet there is an incredible amount of people that do... but I wish people were not so involved in their own existence... own self to look outside and see something better.... something they could alter for the greater good...

I can't handle people communing around me for sexual reasons.... exclusively.... hmm.. I wonder why I have such an assortment of friends... ha!
If I lose weight... am I going to have the same problems that I used to? I know I couldn't stand it this time around... I just want people to care about one and other more than they do... themselves... I guess that is too much to ask for.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, September 19th, 2006

Subject:Stupid lame crap derived of procastination
Time:2:02 pm.

What kind of sexy are you?

Your no-frills nature makes you a girl and a friend rolled into one-and guys think that rocks. But show the one you like your deeper, serious side too, so he sees you as a friend who could potentially be a girlfriend.

Yeah... I'm totally doomed!
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Monday, August 21st, 2006

Subject:Rantings and Ramblings MeHar!
Time:9:40 am.
Mood: working.
Here I sit all weak and weary... bull. Nice though I don't think that many people other than a select few ever read this journal. So unlike myspace that I feel hundreds have constant access to.. and I'm not sure I want to read such info...I feel fairly free to type as I may in this journal.
I always have grand things I want to type when I'm laying awake at night .. forcing myself to sleep for work.
Unfortunately, I tend to forget how critical all of the parts lay together after awhile... and I just come out later with this sprawl of nothing.. but it feels nice to type without complete meaning. (Stupid hospital's rights agreements that I have been doing all morning!)
Funny... here some worthless information comes..
I despise the way that every time I state several facts in my life.. I receive the same response from people I respect in my life.
If I state my father is in law enforcement... I get a slightly negative reaction.. and I know people envision a brute of a man.. which in actual sense he is amazing... I just... at this age hardly introduce any of my actual friends to my parents... there has been some recent exceptions.
I hate that every time I say I have a job at Sierra View... I hear two responses... something sarcastic about me finally having a job when I have either been a student or working since I graduated high school... and the other is some sort of smart crack about the functionality and integrity of the hospitals' rep... (honestly I care in a small way because unfortunately I have worked here a couple weeks and now all of this hospitals' history lingers and represents me.. even though honestly I don't care because I used to say the same thing to others when they started employment here).

I despise arguing with people and defending a stance that I don't even support just because of the indication my life creates. Such as.. I don't feel much faith in the medical or law enforcement branches of this country... and ironically enough.. my parents taught me that. They both entered these fields with an idolized viewpoint.. and quickly rationalized it to me.. that although it isn't what we expected.. we need to work on betterment.
Harder to do in law enforcement... health standards and functions within.. is something I can touch... less balls and ego involved.
I'm not someone that adores money... although because my parents have saved and worked fairly steadily throughout their lives to build around me something that vaguely resembles an upper middle class family by Porterville standards.
Yet... we have our own pact against most of the stigma ...
My mother just last week called me late at night worrying that I thought she only went into health care for monetary benefit... How could those that taught me such things best ever think I didn't know their reasons?

We (I) are realist, conservative, dreaming, liberals ... we are independent politically ... religiously ...
All of that is difficult to explain... especially since people throw words such as that together to avoid taking any stance... we, I, do... it just isn't generalized.. each instance in our lives is dealt with on a case to case basis.
I'm not a feminist.. everyone is sexist in some regard.. and everyone has prejudice...
(Prejudice is, as the name implies, the process of "pre-judging" something. In general, it implies coming to a judgment on the subject before learning where the preponderance of the evidence actually lies, or formation of a judgment without direct or actual experience. Holding a politically unpopular view is not in itself prejudice, and not all politically popular views are free of prejudice...)
...within themselves...I'm not solid environmentalist, conservationist, moralist, hippie, goth, punk, aristocrat, or goodness knows how many other elements and categories people want to place me in. I'm just me. I'm sure I am all of those things at given times.. but I have always worked with my own mold ... and although I sometimes find others easy to predict... (unless you have known me for years on end... or just was given some sort of privy that I rarely give without a long duration...) I'm not going to be and note that is not my aim.
I adore both the elegance of fine wine served with brie cheese as I glance at modern and classical art. An amazing dress made of precious fabric ...sophistication abound... delicate dances... candlelight... jazz enshrouding the auricles.
But then again... I love baggy clothes... camping.. bonfires... tales for the dark... classical rock ...homebrewed beer...
I consider myself balanced..
Why does it seem that the more I crave simplicity, the more things become tightly wound and complex?

I realized that I'm the last of the girls in a grouping in high school to get married... how tragic... what scares me more? That honestly it doesn't truly trouble me.
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Wednesday, August 16th, 2006

Subject:Idolized thinking.. ME? Who would have thunk?
Time:11:16 am.
I wish that I knew for sure that some things were valid and true. I'm in a gray sort of mood due to the fact that nothing feels distinct. Wishing I knew the truth of the circumstances... this region of the world is mentally depressing.
I'm developing as a person and as a professional... but what other elements of progression am I giving up in return for these advancements? Professional aspects of my life have never been as important as they are to others... I have no strong desire to be wealthy... I need monetary assets to live and survive (as well as possibly make some sort of difference) but other than that... living is my primary goal.
So am I really living life if I fold to the masses, function professionally and make the financial security primary?
Kinda getting desperate to find some sort of footing so then I can pursue my true endeavours... many of which I don't voice...
Am I dry and stale? Why am I sometimes fearful to show my fire..? my spark for life? because I don't want anyone to take my passion as forced... as contrived...
Also I find more and more that people I respect (predominately males) don't expect a female to have any voice or even if they do... it isn't worth noting.
I choose to blame fellow women... but then in my case I'm allowing it to extend as well... by hiding at times and acting coy... making sure that I keep my feminity in check with my strengths.
Brighten up... the things that hound my emotional mind have to manifest in some sort of positive force... I've been barked at enough.
Endnote: *smacks self for emotions, belts self for female emotions, and finally wounds self for wishful and idolized thinking*
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, March 13th, 2006

Time:7:47 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Raw... cold.. insecure...
Glowing... true... determined
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 1st, 2006

Subject:Human Torch
Time:9:04 pm.
Mood: infuriated.
HA HA HA HA! Misconceptions... grand grand.. what was the intent of that? Not going to do the same back because that would only create more problems. I don't want to create fucking problems!
So... I'm back to square one. At least it seems as such... we shall see...
Don't you love when things are taken completely out of context? The statements made perfect sense when in their entire form but when most of what was said can't be stated... they are bastardized.
I'm either being forced to reveal, my integrity questioned, or barriers attempted to be laid. Most likely all three and to watch the flames rise? I haven't I enough scar tissue from emotional fire to make others realize I'm callous?
Bring that lighter closer dear and maybe I will make a brilliant show.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Time:2:08 am.
Mood: melancholy.
This is all for me... not really going to make any sense to anyone else.. I'm going to put it in my own mental terms to make sure.

Ok.. so paranoia revealed. A circle of hell created...fear of expressed emotion shadowing too intensely.. yet... maybe it is so. No ordained path aligned yet possibilities and multiple repercussions around every bend.
Insight divided yet... this will help formulate some sort of mental stand. Without the known options nothing can be derived. Coming out of the cracks..

Wakening in a blissful state with the rarity of dismal foresight.
Just for a moment... and then like it came, it is torn and shaky like some sort of throw aside clutter.
Beaming faces of contempt...wash with mine.
Past isn't something one can grasp but sometimes it almost seems tangible.
Quiver like a molded mouse and act as such.

I wrote this beginning of my development: 13 yrs old.. pessimistic little bitch.. I was so innocent.

As the wind caresses the sea.
Lonely thoughts drift up to me. (I was waiting for the antichrist.. at the beach)
The thought of what it is to be free.
That is as hard to accomplish as an unpaid fee. (like I knew then)
As I walk my days through.
My love becomes far more true. (wow.. gags)
Life slowly slips through my hand.
These are the times that I fail to understand. (felt age already at that point.. sadly)
As the bird begins to fly.
Its really hard for me to let things lie. (obviously)
As the morning sun begins to rise. (this was always the part I remembered)
The sparrow takes a breath and dies.
The pain never seems to come to an end. (being dramatic a tad 13 yr old)
I always think that its around the next bend. (better luck next time little girl)

Bah.. so maybe you have made development.. and then again you seem to never let that depression or emotions go.. do ya.. little girl?
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Subject:Bad.. bad... foul.. wrong...
Time:5:16 pm.
Mood: pessimistic.
Ok.. so other than the fact that people are attempting to swim in negativity in any fashion and I feel doomed no matter which way I turn..... I, unlike most people, have the pleasure of being able to glimpse at emotional battles and combats of my previous relationships. Nothing I can gain out of this... then again the way I woke up feeling today... maybe there is nothing I can gain out of anything. *smacks self to eliminate the depressive nonsense* If I'm meant to be happy... then it will happen.. I can only do my best to help it along... but at times it means that others don't want to be happy... it is much easier to just hate and be depressed about circumstances because then there is no hopeful expectations to distill. As much sense as that makes.. because then you are giving up that brief amount of happiness to not have the shock value of disappointment.
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Saturday, January 7th, 2006

Subject:Interesting ... railroading
Time:8:37 pm.
Mood: anxious.
I'm dooming myself and I'm not sure why ... but hopefully I will let things right themselves and become something that I can deal with and function with. Decisions to make... to burn an extremely shady bridge that currently exists or to take the road and strengthen it. Should one go after something that they think might have some sort of destiny involved and they could be interally happy.. or should one choose the path that is most definitely more stable and secure? Are things that are already damaged worth sparing in the end or do people have to evaluate that on a personal level entirely? I'm sure it has to be taken in the individual sense...BIG QUESTION: Is it so important to be understood.. to feel a connection to people.. to have positive propelling emotion... or is it better to take something that is far easier and well known yet varied in how much that one person understands you overall?
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, December 31st, 2005

Subject:Happy New Years Everyone
Time:9:32 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Hopefully this year will hold less drama, breakups, deaths, broken hearts, financial troubles, and just overall sorrow for you all. As well as being filled with creme brulee, bonfires, good alcohol, love, rock, and positive madness!
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

Subject:Kinda ok.. hhmm... weary happy
Time:2:51 pm.
Mood: thankful.
I might have reached a decision that I can live with about my living situation for a time. I think others and in agreement as well... just hopefully one person doesn't get to upset... because I adore her.
My mother isn't mad about Xmas... she actually said that I should have come home and she would have made me soup and taken care of me. I think she is happy that I'm staying... I'm really thankful of my parents. Unlike most people I can officially declare my design from them and embrace it. I should be extremely thankful for that fact.... beyond most things. I don't want to miss my brother growing up.. I would miss him going through his pre-teen/teen years. I have been waiting for very long for those to come about.
Braxton I adore you for your strength.
Scott I adore you for your perseverance.
Andrew I adore you for your conviction.
Morgan I adore you for your sense.

Others notable for mention at the given time:
Kellye I adore you for your charisma towards life.
Miguel I adore you for your faith in mankind.

There is others.. faces that flash through my mind. Yet I fear mentioning their name here would only give them cause to think I am weak for still caring for them after all they have done.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, December 22nd, 2005

Subject:Delayed reasoning... ample thoughts
Time:6:36 am.
Mood: distressed.
I'm writing the journal strictly for myself... not for others. I came to a dawning conclusion... may that trigger something in my mind to mock me in latter years I know not. Mental mind.. redundant much? know who I am... and know that I think I missed a portion of the chain.. maybe a couple times over... and may never be given the shot.
Braxton is ok... hopefully... Ida just called me.. wanted to do something today.. yeah... lol.. that will happen. I want to go to the used bookstore.. I want to live life.. but unfortunately sleep has to come at some point.. be that when most of my friends being night dwellers.. or most of the world.. day dwellers rest. I either feel functional or abundantly neglectful.
I hope I didnt fuck up my purpose.. I have this overwhelming feeling that I did.. but if it is in fact a purpose... doesn't it have to become something critical to me?
Is my life composed to helping others by making my caring noticed by sticking my finger down their throat? When do I get some sort of balance? When does someone shout it is me and it rings true?
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, December 15th, 2005

Subject:Semi happy and hopefully will be more
Time:5:51 pm.
Mood: pleased.
Just going to post real fast before I run out the door. I'm actually pleasant right now.. and I promised in the previous blog that I wouldn't become the sort of person to just vent in journal form.. so I'm holding myself to that. I get to see something that I haven't seen for days.. and I'm excited... I need to kill my procrastinating nature. Bad note: Braxton might not come back this weekend again. Pretty much what I expected.. I'm just worried that I won't see him at all now until we do move. Braxton is becoming a primary part of the reason I want to move. Sigh.. but there is a couple of reasons why I don't want to. They know who they are... my parents and brother are included in that by the way. Anyway, I'm going to float out the door.. happily to receive the season with something less than jolly.. but more than irritation and that is due to certain people... not because of the holiday.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, December 13th, 2005

Time:5:44 pm.
Mood: cold.
I called everyone back that had called... getting better at doing that. Although I'm sure the phone bill isn't going to be any better. I still haven't studied for the final and I have to leave in 15 minutes.. self destructive much? I hate christmas... I want to just sit infront of a warm fire.. with tiny little snacks and watch something comfortable with a big cup of tea. I'm missing the comfort I have given up so many times... may find it again.. have to have hope. My mouth is like a portal into hell... sometimes I wish I would just shut the hell up. I'm hypocritical.. I don't want to hear negative things but I flood others with it when I'm trying to actually give some of myself. I suppose because it is unique for me to talk about the negative aspects of my life... yet others do that all the time.. to anyone that will listen. I want a warm blanket.. some sleepy time tea... fire.. slow caresses... I don't think it is something I'm in store for though.. I'm more than likely to be drunken, stoned, miserable and fake as I smile an unsincere smile for those that love the season. This is the season of meaning... and if I am afraid that I have none then what of? People tend to only write when they are hurt, pained, depressed, sardonic, dark... I don't want to be one of those and I'm not really complaining... this is purely observation. I want to be productive... I want to enjoy life.. where is the balance in that? The more productive you are.. the more miserable a person you are. A couple years back I went back to what I was in high school.. working out 4 hours a day... taking a million units of classes and getting As straight through. People that didn't know me that well.. thought I was happy... I wasn't. I was miserable... running away from mental rape... physical rape... Japanese stalkers.. and lies... throwing inanimate objects into the street for symbolism.. and not eating for days on end... crying until I felt dehydration. I think I have been numb since then... living each day like it is my last...I lost something back there... I want it back. I want back what you all took from me... I want this hole to close. Then maybe I will be able to find that productive non-obsessive person.. that smiles real smiles.. and cries real tears.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, December 12th, 2005

Subject:Healing and mending but still not feeling
Time:5:05 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
Sometimes I feel like a spider that has just consumed the full meal of it's companion and yet has no remorse. I think I get more irritated that I haven't found the elements that make my life more complete than am actually an evil person. I fluctuate in between being angelic and trying to make everyone happy or more satisfied and when that isn't an option I sometimes go the complete opposite. I was perfect growing up... I didn't swear until I was around 17... didn't drink.. never smoked.. no parties.. nothing. When I realized how hypocritical my parents were about those things... everything turned the other way. An ex wanted me to not drink and to be diligent.. but when I realized that he had spent the last 3 yrs drinking and partying without any responsiblities... when I had been doing the opposite... it was insanity. Maybe I should learn something from this.. everything doesn't have to be so extreme.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, December 10th, 2005

Subject:Lifts into abyss
Time:4:01 am.
Mood: discontent.
I feel somewhat better at times... and just the smallest look for another person can cause me to come back to reality. I am fearful of myself.. and maybe my actions. Due to the fact that no matter how much I try to please... I still end up turning something into waste. Sure I knew experiences from each thing that transpires in my life would bring insight but do I not also create more wire for others to crawl through? I analyze sometimes to the point that people nolonger want to express... because I tell them too much of what I know of them. I attempt to unshell myself to a point that others think I'm too exposed and vulgar. I honestly don't know what people want... I don't really know what I want. I wish there was some sort of cosmic answer that told me how to know ways to get people to actually truly care. People want to be antosocial and sit at home and complain about lack of interaction and yet when involved never enjoy themselves. People complain of drought and yet when it rains they are weary of floods. I never want people to think of me...in a glamorized front that I create initially... I want people to know who I am.. and embrace that. I'm pleading to some sort of power to just know that others are not as cold and calculating and corrupt as they portray. I have been attempting to just see positive when I am generally one to just seek negation and yet no matter how positive I am... it seems that others become the opposite. Please something out there... make some sort of sense of all of this... make some sense out of my thoughts... because maybe I really have not a thing.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, December 8th, 2005

Time:11:08 am.
Mood: aggravated.
I spent most of yesterday attempting to avoid working on my lab report paper for some reason. After drinking last night.. and taking some over the counter pain meds I woke up today early enough to work on it and get it done prior to class. Unforunately, I still haven't started it yet and I can feel the time ticking away every second.
If you read this and you know who you are... last night I missed simplicity... talking, touching, true laughter, hearing your rants.
I went to make some soup for myself and placed it in a bowl on the ground and left the room for around a minute and I returned to see that Betsy had overturned the bowl and now the floor is covered with some sort of discoloration. I think I will attempt to remedy that prior to working on the paper... procrastination is making me late!
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

Subject:Stupid people and snide Jose (lovely fellow)
Time:7:50 pm.
The following is a conversation between a friend of mine, Jose, that lives in Texas and myself about the stupid people that the occurences that he has to face working for a hotel chain as a self representative. It was magical.
Trulytam below is me.. and elspanishrey is obviously him.

jose: this chick calls me up right and is like, im confused about your tv guide here for the hbo line up .. andim like ok .. let me see if i can help you
she goes well .. i see that empire records is playing at 12 .. and girls is playing at 12 too ... so which one is going to be playing at 12? i dont get it
and im like wtf ... let me look at the tv guide rq and see what the hell your talkiong about
and then im like .. OMFG your stupid ... i mean, i think i figured it out .. one of those is 12 am and the second is 12 midnight ...
and she is like OHHHHH .. well, that makes sense!
and im like yeah ... when you look at the begining of the day and it says 5 am and at the end of the day it says 4 am .. i would only hope we didnt loose and hour of time with all those movies playing in between
then she hung up on me =/
some poeple are fucking rude IMO

now a days i get alot of calls but when i answer they hang up on me =/ no clue why they dont want to talk to me anymore=/
el_spanish_rey : and another thing, i had this guy call me today and was like hey, can you tranfer my call to mike .. and im like uhh .. do you know his room number or like his last name .. and he was like no i dont .. cant you do it by his first name?
el_spanish_rey : and i told this bastard no .. cause i have like 500 guest and or list are arranged according to last names ..
el_spanish_rey : and he is like are you sure you cant
el_spanish_rey : and i tell him yeah im sure i cant .. i would be here all night looking for this first name
el_spanish_rey : and he is like ohh .. i was told once that you could do it .. and im like i dont know who told you that but i sure cant do that
el_spanish_rey : and he is like, so your telling me there is absolutely no way you could do that and im like yeah im telling you there is no way
el_spanish_rey : and he is like but if i come up with his last name of room number you can help me .. and im like yup ..
trulytam: i'm reading this outloud to ganith.. and laughing my head off by the way
el_spanish_rey : then he is like are you sure? and i just wanted to tell him ok you fuck nut i was just joshing ya i can do it but only cause you asked me 26 fucking times and that just happen to be the magic number ..
el_spanish_rey : some poeple dont get the point i swear to god
trulytam: ok.. i'm having trouble breathing
el_spanish_rey : if i said no the first 50 fucking times what makes you think my answer is going to change on the 51 st time you ask


el_spanish_rey : she was like hi, do you have 3 quarters and i was like sure do ..
el_spanish_rey : then she reaches into her pocket and pulls out 75 pennies
el_spanish_rey : and im like whoa whoa whoa ... im not taking 75 pennies cause that is just a pain in the ass
el_spanish_rey : and she is like why not .. so of course i tell her the truth its too much change .. im going to hate counting them and my manager in the morning is going to hate it and the person who gets my drawer tomrrow is going to hate it
el_spanish_rey : so i cant take it and she is like i need to wash my cloths and im like then i tell you what go to the gas station next door and see if they will take it
el_spanish_rey : and she is like they wont ive had this discussion with them and they wont take it unless its rolled
el_spanish_rey : so i give her a roller and she looks at me like im crazy
el_spanish_rey : and she is like why wont you take them ... what did the guys at the gas station tell you when you asked them that .. and she was like .. well they arent obligated to change them for me like you guys are since i live here
el_spanish_rey : and im like well first off we arent pbligated to even give you change for the machines .. we do that cause we want too ..
el_spanish_rey : and she was like .. i pay 800 a month to stay here and you wont change my pennies .. what if i come in next month and pay my rent in pennies would you take them then .. and i was like i dont think so
el_spanish_rey : and then she is like are you sure you wont change them .. and im like definetely sure abou tthat
el_spanish_rey : and she is like what about just 25 pennies .. and im like no thanks
el_spanish_rey : and she is like whats your name, and im like jose and then she is like whats your managers name and i tell her that too
el_spanish_rey : so after fighting with her for another 20 minutes she finally gets the point im not taking any of her pennies ..
trulytam: ok.. breathe tamra... breathe
el_spanish_rey : and then i called my manager and told him what happened .. and he said good fucking job .. we dont want their fucking pennies and i was like thx boss
trulytam: i'm seriously copying and pasting this stuff..
el_spanish_rey : glad we hate the same type of peole
el_spanish_rey : ohh !@
el_spanish_rey : and then there was the guy that came in at 10 fucking pm and demanded to see the maager cause he got kicked out ... and i tried to explain to his dumb ass that no one was there but me and the security that kicked his ass out until 7 am when the magaer came on duty
el_spanish_rey : he was like you better call your manager and i was like uhh like i said before his hours are 7 am to 5 pm come back during regular hours
el_spanish_rey : and he was like so your tellingme there isno way for you to get ahold of your manager and i said your right .. there is no way im able to comply with that demad
el_spanish_rey : demand
el_spanish_rey : and he was like are you sure?
el_spanish_rey : and i was like yeah im sure, ,and then he tries to be a smart ass, and be like.. well give me the regionals number and i said i cant do that either .. we have to follow the chain of command
el_spanish_rey : and he was like then get your manager on the phone i said listen .. i told you between the hours of 7 and 5 .. what part of that is hard to underastand
el_spanish_rey : and he was like so what if the building was burning .. who would you call then?
el_spanish_rey : and being the smart ass that i am .. i was like i would call 911 and the firedepartment
el_spanish_rey : then maybe i would call him to let him know he might be having the next day off
el_spanish_rey : but im not calling him so he can waste his time on you
el_spanish_rey : come back tomorrow and then i walked over around the counter and told him he can leave my office cause im not afraid of anyone and he was trying to swell up to me
Thing he hates the most:
el_spanish_rey : i hate poeple in a rush cause they show up in the office wanting to pay rent quick and sometimes im busy and they are all like tapping there toes and sighing loudly and when i get to them they are like can you hurry up im in a hurry and im like OHHHHHH so you fucking wake up late or dont plan enough time to get shit done and all of the sudden IM WASTING YOUR TIME, how fucking rediculous is that!?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Conversations with lepers
Time:7:46 pm.
Mood: amused.
I left my yahoo messenger open today and came back to the computer with a random weirdo that happened to remember me from some sort of past chatting experience. I went through a time that I would play the game of personifying myself into the traditional image and response of an attention hungry online female. This was not recent...This was how it would play out: random person one would message me, message would state some sort of profane come on with area code and "wanna have fun", I would spend time asking them why they spent their time doing this, how it benefited them in any forum, the desperation of it all used to perplex me, one word responses would be returned from me...that was enough generally to provoke more (a what? or a sure? or uumm.. yeah.. no matter how rude still kept them talking ... even when I wanted to end the conversation), after awhile they would try and ask abrasive questions to me which I would never give answers, and then I would just close the window.. turn it off.. disgusted at people in cyberspace.
Anyway, apparently one of these fellows has remembered me from somewhere and told me that they met me which I'm sure never happened.. plus the time he gave me as to when isn't even when I was living in this area.

want2bebadwme: and all the girls I date say they are wild but after we date a couple of weeks I get laid and it's never good
want2bebadwme: it's ok
trulytam: yeah... gotcha
trulytam: so how are they bad?
want2bebadwme: now u r mocking me
trulytam: no.. not
want2bebadwme: they just lay there
want2bebadwme: and they don't suck me, or want to wear anything sexy or do it in wild places
trulytam: relationship girls generally mean that they have to be comfortable to have that sort of intimacy.. and they are not going to be as exploratory...
trulytam: i.. on the other hand... would be the other type of person..
want2bebadwme: yeah I've heard that before
trulytam: just that ... i don't see the point anymore.. but i have attempted...
trulytam: now you are mocking me
want2bebadwme: well sorry but you sound just like the othr girls
want2bebadwme: talking how if we were a couple you'd rock my world
trulytam: nope.. im not sayng that
want2bebadwme: but it never seems to be true
want2bebadwme: what are you saying then?
trulytam: i'm not saying anything pertaining to you
want2bebadwme: oh sorry
trulytam: and i'm also not saying that i am going to be the exact image of sexual perfection..
trulytam: there is no reason to say that
trulytam: chemistry is dependant on each person
want2bebadwme: I don't want perfection I just want pssion
want2bebadwme: passion
trulytam: it all depends on how well the person anticipates my moves
trulytam: and i have been known to scare several guys in relationships
trulytam: them saying that they just don't like sex as much as i do
trulytam: that i'm too....
trulytam: pushy i guess
trulytam: i'm not a.... solid good girl
trulytam: but i'm not a free flying whore either
want2bebadwme: great tell me all this stuff to interest me then u tell me U aren't tinterested in me
trulytam: i have had hook up things without relationships.. and that was great and all
want2bebadwme: I don't want a whore I can get girls no problem, I just want a fun one
trulytam: but i didn't like their voice... i didn't like what they had to say.... and i am the sort that i like ripping and tearing.. and dressing.. and having sex in as many weird places and in weird positions on this planet.. but i want to like what they have to say afterward
trulytam: i want to like the intellect..
trulytam: the passion that drives them.... to do those things with me
trulytam: i want them to be able to say certain things... that make me admire them to the point that i want to rip off every piece of their clothing with my teeth
trulytam: and i'm not talking about stupid shit like... romantic crap
trulytam: i don
trulytam: i don't trust sweet nothings most of the time
trulytam: i mean..... i mean... that their person... is so amazingly sexy because of their intellect.. that i want them all the more
trulytam: and i can't find that without a relationship
want2bebadwme: Well I have been told I have a sexy voice and I'm great to talk to
want2bebadwme: gotcha
trulytam: and i don't trust the bullshit that is dealt early on in relationships.. i don't trust the pick up lines..
trulytam: and i don't like superficial crap...
trulytam: and i don't mean voice tones..
trulytam: i mean what is being said
want2bebadwme: lol I was joking silly
want2bebadwme: well I hope you find what you are looking for
trulytam: by the way.. when i said i wasn't saying it to you
want2bebadwme: sounds like a guy is gonna get real lucky one day after he invest a lot of time into your relationship...
trulytam: i meant that i wasn't making a direct comment.. to try and convince you fo anything
trulytam: of anything...
want2bebadwme: I have been burnned so much I just need someone who knows how to cut loose
want2bebadwme: of anything what?
trulytam: that i have nothing to gain out of trying to make myself sound like this massive sex fiend... i don't need to have someone tell me i'm hot.. or.. i'm sexy... or try and find some sort of reassurance by attempting to convince you that i'm awesome like the other girls do
trulytam: i'm confident in what i am... and i'm confident in how sexual i am.. and i'm rather open about it... and not to gain attention like the rest... just because i feel like it is more healthy.. and i have nothing really to conceal
want2bebadwme: good for you I'm sure it is more healthy and it also feeds your self esteem
trulytam: not really
trulytam: as far as the self esteem thing.. i mean.. everyone needs reassurance from others.. i'm not saying that i don't seek it in some fashion...
trulytam: but i express it in a different way than a lot of people do
trulytam: but .. endnote.. if you are looking for someone to hit your shit in a noncommital fashion... either for two reasons.. one because they have no self respect or two they are hoping to fill something inside themselves and possibly develop a relationship... then i am not anywhere near that sort
want2bebadwme: lol ok


Basically you can see that this wasn't really like a conversation with an actual other person..it was more of a conversation for my own notation and reflection. I didn't respect him.. he started the conversation trying to convince me he knew me and talking about how he was a porn star... which at that point.. I switched to my other mode... there is two people in me... the one that feels.. and the other that rips.. and I think I confused this chap enough to do justice.

Actually I think it irritated me that that he did the pop up aggressive wanna fuck line and then I stated I wasn't the sort of person he was looking for .. and he stated I was like the rest of the girls in this area... all wanting relationships.. all sexually supressed.. all sexually boastful... the rest of the girls in this area aim for relationships? When was that started... I could have sworn I was in the minority!
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Subject:Insanely horrible survey
Time:10:03 am.
Mood: awake.
The FUCKED UP survey....do it!
These are all fucked up, random, interesting, personal questions.


1. Given a homeless guy more than $5?: my mom and i gave a guy $10 once because he said... i need to buy some wine.. and my mom said.. i appreciate your honesty... here ya go... sounds corrupting.... but there is an underlinings point

2. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift? almost... i spent 350 plus a 50 dollar game... plus a 25 dollar controller.... first christmas that ps2 came out.... but after the break up it was given back to me

3. Had sex with more than one person in a day? lol... uumm... anyway... *twiddles thumbs* politically correct answer: NO

4. Given oral pleasure? give me a break.. yes

5. Dated two people at once? uumm yeah.. i believe i have.. and people that know me well.. would laugh at how casual that sounded

6. Actually met someone from myspace that you didn't know before? yes.... one person actually... and a couple other friends have as well.. then introduced me at like denny's ... i ask where do they know each other from... response.. myspace... i say... uh huh... ok then

8. Failed more than one class? yes... deaths in the family never see to help my gpa.. but in high school i was a valedictorian... 4.5 cum

9. Took someone's virginity when you weren't a virgin? yep

10. Hooked up with someone from a different race? uumm.. yep.. in their country even.... there is a story there.. that few know

11. Ran around naked outside in the daytime/night time? yep

12. Scuba dived? Nope

13. Snorkled? yep... in hawaii.. several times.. couple other places.. mexico.. things like that

14. Dated someone you didn't want your friends to meet? yes... but a couple of them.. for different reasons... a couple of them were jerks.. and i knew that they didnt meld with others well...

15. Got your stomach pumped, from alcohol poisoning? nope

16. Threw up from alcohol? ha... of course... several times... not as many times as i should have though given the amount that i drink on a regular basis

17. Been suspended from school? nope.. in school.. i was always good.. well.. until college.. does academic probation count as suspension?

18. Kissed someone of the same sex? yep... uumm... just tried to count and realized i couldn't... but it wasn't like a sexual kissing thing.. just a peck thing..

19. Wore a short skirt with out panties? what kind of question is that?

20. Let a guy paint your toenails (girls)? yes... i have.. some are grand... others.. yeah... i couldnt see skin on my toes without paint

21. Met someone famous? lots

22. Saved someone's life? possibly... talked a couple people out of suicide

23. Seen someone die? yes... my dad and i used to chase fatal car accidents

24. Killed someone? other than a bug... nope.. and why would anyone ever answer differently on this... how many people are going to put that in print?

25. Been in a physical fight? a couple.. almost never provoked by me

26. Hooked up with someone 10 yrs older or younger than you or more? nope.. i date within my age range.. although i have had both extremes hit on me in different scenerios..

27. Been arrested? nope

28. Spent the night in jail? nope

29. Been in more than three car accidents in a year? nope

30. Had sex outside? yes... lots

31. Had sex with someone and didnt know their name? nope... someone kissed me that i didn't... at a club in vegas.. i couldn't get away from them.. and they just grabbed me

32. Had sex in your house when your parents were home? yes.. and in boyfriend's houses when parents were home... sigh.. the insanity of youth

33. Had phone sex? yep...

34. Been turned off by someone's personal hygiene "down there"? actually i date fairly obsessive compulsive people... they have been known to bathe more than once a day... so the soap would be the factor... or the aftershave.. or musk cologne.. ugh

35. Been to Planned Parenthood? nope

36. Had sex without a condom? yes... sigh

37. Had a one night stand? depends on if you consider the fact that it started as that.. and we ended up being friends after... still talk to them...

38. Triple Kissed? with my parents.. best friends in high school.. that is what i think it means

39. Had sex on the beach? that is my reservation spot.. i havent had sex.... maybe clinton sex there... but it has been spared

40. Had sex when other people could see? nope... well.. it was masked... and if you have sex outside.. people could always view you... so i suppose yes in that case... nothing transpired in the same room as others though... ever

41. Been fired from a job? nope

42. Danced on top of a bar? my own bar... upstairs.. and on the pool table..

43. Had sex somewhere in your high school? ok... porterville i did... not at monache.. wait.. did i? sigh.. i can't remember now..

45. Been in a porn shop? yep

46. Been in a dance competition? yep... :P

47. Had a threesome? nope.. and never will.. i'm an emotional relationship sort.. and that wouldn't mix

48. Spent more than one night in a hospital? never been actually admitted in a hospital.. no broken bones.. no sprains.. no cavities..

49. ODed on a drug? if you consider taking a bottle of wild turkey.. and half a pack of cold and flu tabs plus others.. while friends are in the room ... almost passing out... i suppose... but i was fine.. that was sortly after my grandmother died last year and i was taking care of her
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